A Messy Life Musings

Competing with Your Past. Bernadette’s Messy Musings Takes On Bernadette’s Musings from the Messy Room.

Do Your Thing. Blog post by Bernadette Rose Smith in Bernadette's Messy Musings

Ever find yourself in competition with an old version of you, one that you’re trying to grow beyond because it’s in your best interest to do so, but it seems the world around you isn’t quite ready for the change—or even set against it?

Frustrating, isn’t it? And kind of scary when you are crawling out from a dark place, and your eyes haven’t adjusted to what the light-of-possibility has to offer you. There’s a lot of trial and error involved in any attempt to embrace a new life while moving on from an old you. Particularly if those around you react as if you belong to them, because of the role you play in their life.

Since I lost Ray and my breast to cancer, I have been vigilant in shaking loose from the bad stories that surface, in finding ways the present-me can thrive and coexist in peace with the past-me while she transitions through the sense of loss she feels some days.

A Glitchy Leap of Faith is Better than No Leap at All.
When the bots booted me out of Bernadette’s Musings from the Messy Room, (Bots. Bandwidth. Blah-Blah-Blah…) I chose to embrace the blank canvas forced upon me, and set about the business of creating a new home for the “next chapter Bernadette.” (About Now)

A few days ago, I decided to see how the new site was doing in the search engines. I typed in Bernadette’s Messy Musings, the present me, and Google showed Bernadette’s Musings from the Messy Room, the past me. So, I typed in Bernadette’s Messy Musings WordPress, and still got Bernadette’s Musings from the Messy Room. I typed in my name; pages and pages from the Messy Room stared back at me. Continue reading “Competing with Your Past. Bernadette’s Messy Musings Takes On Bernadette’s Musings from the Messy Room.”

A Messy Life Musings

Bots. Bandwidth. Blah-Blah-Blah. Bots are Booting Me Out of My Messy Room.

Acceptance. Let Go. Bernadette's Messy Musings

As I stare at this forced-upon-me blank canvas on this new website platform — not sure what to write — Bernadette’s Musings from the Messy Room is under what they call “brute force attack.” The bots are squeezing me out, using up the bandwidth, and banging on the door trying to get my password. I feel like I am in an episode of The Walking Dead where the zombies take over the town and more just keep coming … and coming …

When I was told the fixes weren’t diverting them and chances were not looking good for restoring the site, it broke my heart. There is so much history in those pages: creative projects, collaborations, heart-felt exchanges. My spirit is humbled when I read the hundreds of comments left there. I am sad to have to let them go.

Plus, closing the door on the Messy Room so soon after losing Ray — and my breast — to cancer feels like giving up another piece of us. The timing of this good-bye is surreal but my gut says something new — and necessary — is around the corner. Continue reading “Bots. Bandwidth. Blah-Blah-Blah. Bots are Booting Me Out of My Messy Room.”