As I stare at this forced-upon-me blank canvas on this new website platform — not sure what to write — Bernadette’s Musings from the Messy Room is under what they call “brute force attack.” The bots are squeezing me out, using up the bandwidth, and banging on the door trying to get my password. I feel like I am in an episode of The Walking Dead where the zombies take over the town and more just keep coming … and coming …
When I was told the fixes weren’t diverting them and chances were not looking good for restoring the site, it broke my heart. There is so much history in those pages: creative projects, collaborations, heart-felt exchanges. My spirit is humbled when I read the hundreds of comments left there. I am sad to have to let them go.
Plus, closing the door on the Messy Room so soon after losing Ray — and my breast — to cancer feels like giving up another piece of us. The timing of this good-bye is surreal but my gut says something new — and necessary — is around the corner.
So, here I am, a woman reviewing, recalibrating, renewing, and resourcing her resources. And wondering what of her (and you) this new site will reflect — now that the bots are booting us out of the Messy Room.
Before Ray died he said something curious to me. “There is a Bernadette you haven’t been yet. Find her.” I feel his presence most days, pushing me toward the blank canvas this strange new life offers.
Something I posted on my personal page came up in a Facebook memory the other day. The timing is Divine and a gentle reminder of how we can move beyond “stuff” like this.
I will not be defined nor tamed by my losses. I will maintain the wildness of my wonder. – Bernadette Rose Smith
Written on Facebook in April of 2018: “SPRinG FoRTh! This time of year is rich with stories of renewal that invite us to reconsider where we are in this dance called life and how we’d like to express it. With every tiny bud, fresh leaf, blade of grass – with the busy humming of bees and the chirping of birds – we engage with fresh opportunities calling forth a remembrance that we can spring into and venture forward with a “newer” view.
This morning’s quiet time led me to a reading that woo’d me. (That happens to writers when they find wordplay.)
After this past year’s events, I find I am beyond the possibility of restoration. It has been a year of radical removal of the familiar — right down to the post-mastectomy breasts that look back at me in the mirror, as if to say, “Do not forget to notice the choices you are making. Even when not choosing. You are beyond default options now. They will not get you through the rest of your journey. Though it has served you in the past, restoration will not do it for you now.”
When restoration is not possible, only resurrection will do. This is a season that offers both but it is up to US to decide (or default) which one we will embrace.
Though I am still encircled by the same bright souls who nurture me and pick me up when I stumble, the life I see behind me cannot be restored. It would be one of living with echoes and ghosts — poor stand-ins for a life that sustains the vitality I require if I am going to be hanging around here. You only have to know me a LiTTLe BiT to know that this is true.
Where are YOU with these words? Where has the past season brought YOU to?
If restoration is possible, grab hold and go with it! But do not make the mistake of reaching for restoration because you fear the unfamiliar. Only resurrection will do then. It is up to each of us to discern what our soul wishes to embrace. And there is a Divine Master who invites us to embrace the celebration of Self-Rising.
Me? It is a year of resurrection — for embracing the unfamiliar. To take on a vertical view before I am horizontal. That’s what Ray’s ashes and my pretend breasts tell me every day. I’m not here to stay so I’m making every day matter — even the mundane minutia. I will maintain the wildness of my wonder. I’m going for the glow.
My angels left me a little “you can do it” sign the other day. It was a bumper sticker that said, “Suck it up, princess.”
I know they would not have said that if I didn’t have the suck required for the “up.”
— End Facebook Post —
Hmm. So, here I am. Starting from scratch. But I know I’m not alone. I have Ray and more than a few angels looking over my shoulder — and now you. I don’t know how you found me but I’m glad you did.
Oh, and please don’t tell the bots where I am.
But DO TELL ME. Which is it for YOU this season? Anyone else going through a restoration or resurrection? I’d love to hear!
PS: If you were signed up to follow new posts in Bernadette’s Musings from the Messy Room please subscribe to this blog. I could not transfer you to this new platform. Thanks! ❤
Double PS: I have no idea what ads WordPress is showing you—nor how many—but the site is free in exchange for ad space. My apologies. 😉